I’ve been toying with the idea of finding a space like this to write for some time. So, why the strange (somewhat violent) name? Initially it was a thought I had early in my autoimmune disease diagnoses. Autoimmune disease is a real mind-fuck let me tell you. So many awful things can happen to our complex, fragile bodies out in the world: viruses, bacteria, abuse, trauma, accidents, frostbite. . . but you’re never prepared for your actual immune system to wake up one day and choose violence.
It feels a lot like an internal civil war. I have to work with doctors and meds and therapies to combat something that is inherently part of me. And there’s no winning. Because I also need my immune system to show up and handle a cold, an injury, pneumonia.
In the past two years the civil war metaphor has felt further apt as I witness the deep divisiveness in our country, our families, and our own hearts. Trying to navigate all of this upheaval has felt like a tragic, unwinnable war. As Esther Perel eloquently put it in her 2018 article for Elle , “It’s not difficult to be right, but you will be right and alone.” That has never felt as true as in the last two years. Would I rather be right and lose the relationship with my father? Or would I let go of being right to keep the relationship because who are we without human connection and belonging?
“It’s not difficult to be right, but you will be right and alone”
Ester Perel